His Will

Within the last week I came to a point of hard realization. The same old issues intertwine as God has been working in my heart about them. My heart was on fire for God and all I wanted was to be in his will. But a few days ago the thought of Speech class next semester at PCC made my stomach drop in fear. Yeah, He's been working in my heart about my shyness and how I'm not just suppose to change for Him but through Him. Yet why did it scare me so, to just think of being in front of people and giving speeches for a class. This idea loomed in my mind all day as I thought of how dreadful it'll be to have to act in front of a class when I can barely read alound in my highschool English class now. At that point I thought of just giving up and not caring anymore. Some may think its silly to worry about all this, just do your best and quit complaining, right? Well, complaining was all that was in my mind and heart until I talked to yes, John, about it. I sat there listening to things I already knew; that He wasn't the source of all these oh not so helpful thoughts and that there could be something done about this. I sat there stubborn and crying, trying to ignore the obvious answer of what should I do next since I know these things are true. Of course, his answer was to carry it out, do something about it. I knew what that meant, that meant to not just say but do; not just say that I am going to change through Him but put myself out there and as John told me from Psalm 139:10, that God is there holding my hand. Yes this is hard to do, it also includes humility to give up these things and fully Trust in Him. After this talk I was still stubborn even though I had made the decsion to put myself in situations that will make me rely on Him more. The next day I broke down in tears
before my devotions and prayed to God to show me what to do. I was reading in Matthew(yes I should be in Mark right now but Im getting closer...) and continuing through Matthew 21. I came to the parable that Jesus taught in which there where two men that were given orders by there father to go work in the vineyard. One son told his father "I will not: but afterward he repented, and went.", and the other son said he would go but did not. Jesus asked the chief priests and elders who they thought did the will of his father, and they said it was the first son who did his fathers will. As I reread this agian today I started crying. Realizing that earlier a few days ago I had given up on God in my heart and said no "I will not"( and had been the like second soon beforehand). His mercy later allowing me to repent and go do His will. I love this parable , it is simple but it holds so much about His will for me.